The reality that life will be forever changing.
The crash
I’d just turned on the GoPro which was attached just above where I was sitting, riding on my recumbent trike. Five seconds later I heard this screech, what I thought was tires. I was still thinking about what it was when the impact occurred. I blacked out for around 15-20 seconds, I might not have actually blacked out, it could have been my mind was blocking the crunch out. When I regained my senses, I was lying on the ground, on my side, unmoving, motionless. I heard Mum get out of the van yelling ‘you bloody idiot’ to the driver who’d just hit me. He at least had pulled over and stopped. I made feeble grunts of pain, and I heard footsteps as everyone was racing over to me, literally everyone! Mum was the first one there saying ‘Tommy, Tommy…’
In the space of one to possibly two minutes, 4 people were on the blower calling triple 000 and everyone was crowding around me…. That fact I knew, however it was all really a blur.
A few more facts that I could tell you in a skewed timeline is, that Mum couldn't hold the phone, dial and talk to 000 because she was too shaken up.
Another fact, was when I was lying there, traumatized, helpless, and in enormous pain, the one word I was saying to myself in my head was ‘breathe’, that worked well, to be frank, it kept me sound, present, there… until I heard Steve’s voice. This was the bloke who had just hit me, and that snapped me out of that breathing routine. Next thing I knew we were trying to help reassure this bloke that it was okay, he had literally collapsed on the ground and was having a meltdown then and there. That was the last time I saw Steve.
To answer the question before you ask, yes, they've issued a warrant for his arrest because the third time when he was meant to appear in court, he never showed up… For me I want closure. More than anything, I want him to face up to what he's done. I know and understand he stopped so that’s something. We were told he tested positive for drugs and was unlicensed at the time of the crash. He hasn't shown up yet, and it's been two years. Disappointing to say the least.
My most vivid memory is of the expression on Steve's pregnant girlfriend/wife’s face. The expression was nothing, absolutely nothing, it was as if to say, ‘your point is?’ Now there might have been a different point of view in play, a different story or context but at the time when I looked up and saw her expression, it pissed me off more than anything, it seemed she didn't care about me or Steve…
The rest of it was a big blur, all I remember from then on are snapshots of images, for two reasons.
A: because I'm a visual person and
B: because I had maxed out on the fentanyl dosage - it was at least a fun chopper ride.
I do remember Dale, a great bloke! We managed to catch up on the last leg of the journey.
Lying there in bed
In the hospital, there were a few things I can remember but a lot I can't. For one, when I made it to the destination, Royal Adelaide Hospital, I was greeted by a doctor, she was lovely and up for a kind warm chat. She told me (I think it was her, hazy again) that they’d do some X-rays and operate the next day 18/11/21.
I distinctly remember when they were doing the X-rays, one of the radiologists was like ‘were you hit on the upper part of your back?” I said ‘no’ then he went on 'Have you ever injured your back’ Again no was my answer, then he said ‘have you ever had falls?” I was like, instantaneously ‘all the bloody TIME’!
Channel Nine and ABC both came in to see and interview me. At the time you've got to remember, I was pretty high in the clouds so you can understand that when I said “I’ll be back” I hadn't grasped the gravity of the situation… still it did spur me on for some period of time.
The rehab was stock standard apart from the fiery torch-like shooting pain that I'd get from the surgeons having to realign my displaced pelvis and my hamstring, everything else was dandy.
The mental rehab however was a different story and took some time to sink in. My first experience of PTSD was when I froze in the middle of a driveway… I was riding in my electric wheelchair, there was a car backing out of the driveway…. I was a sitting duck. It wasn't till later on when I had reached my destination, that I essentially lost my shit, not wanting to ever get back on the trike, not do the ride, give up.
Who you gel with
From there my advice to myself as well as the advice from others (parents, friends, and doctor) was to seek help and see a psychologist, which I did. We talked about the crash but that wasn’t really the main issue because I didn’t actually see it, didn’t see the moment of impact. We tried EDRM but I felt like that was pointless, I tried to concentrate on the crash but I couldn’t, my mind tended to wander. So we parted ways, just wasn’t for me.
Side note: from observation, my dad thought I was getting more frustrated and angry after the crash and the rehab and I’d agree with that. Also during the remainder of the ride, these emotions were very evident.
This anger issue eventually started to abate after I got chatting with a close friend of mine. My emotions flowed, a good release of tension. Now that didn’t solve every problem but it helped a lot.
Encounters
I took a look at the Go Pro footage. Too soon, way too soon. That was when the first trigger sign was unearthed. Immediately I was disoriented and I exited straight away from the GoPro Quik app…
It was pretty tame for a while until I got back on the bike and traveled up the east coast.
My first serious panic attack was when I was somewhere in QLD. I thought that I was having a heart attack… I wasn't, I controlled it through my breathing, concentrating hard on that. I did call the support crew on the two-way and explained the situation.
Another major, similar event was when we made the mistake of revisiting the location (Greenoch) of where the crash occurred. This was just before the start of the final leg. We were driving past the spot, and again, same feeling, everything so distant so warped. Still we’ve completed the journey.
After Effects
It’s funny after the ride, I've had a lot more panic attacks, can't explain it. What I'm going to do is get an ECG and a full check-up on my heart for reassurance, I'm sure it’s fine. If I get the all-clear I'll go to see a psychologist specifically about why I might be having them. To me there is no reason why I’m having them, I mean I've done the ride, what's there to be scared of?
The most common place and time for me to have these episodes is in the gym, before a workout.
What does one of my panic attacks look like? The big kicker for me is DEREALISATION… ever heard of it? I hadn't until I did a bit of research, and sure enough, it fits the description, here are the symptoms.
Distorted perception of time, space, and size of things around you
Feeling of unreality from the world around you, as if in a dream or trance
Feeling like everything is foggy, fuzzy, or warped
Sense of being disconnected from those around you as if you’re trapped in a bubble
Thoughts of going crazy or being very ill
https://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/derealization/
The one thing I would say is my description would be slightly different. I start by getting a racing heart for no reason at all, stock standard if you have panic attacks, LOL! Then I seem to feel like I'm shifting my central point (where your eyes are) to looking in on your eyes as if to be sitting, nestled in your brain looking at your eyes, observing them…. I agree with the dimension sizing cause it seems to me the whole world outside my eyes is smaller.
So what am I getting at? What am I trying to tell you? What am I trying to convey?
Well firstly, my best strategy, trick, what works for me is breathing. Slow and controlled when situations arise. I’m not saying that it'll work for everyone but that’s what works for me.
Learn your tricks, your arts.
Don’t be afraid to seek help, from psychologists and counselors (they might have the tools you need) or friends and or family. For me, I work best with close friends, someone who can simply listen, they don't need to resolve my conflicts in my head, they just need to be there to listen.
It all starts with conversation, if you don't have a conversation you'll never say anything, if you don't say anything, you'll keep it all in your head, ALL LOCKED UP.
That was a story, that’s why it was on the site, and that's why I thought it was important to tell.
P.S. Interesting note, since writing this blog about derealisation I haven't been having the episodes pretty much at all. Maybe verbally expressing your feelings and thoughts has the truth about it. Then again, I've been on a holiday down at Port Fairy and have not been in the gym!
Am I really your inspiration?
Prejudgements: if you haven’t read the last blog, don’t read that one, read this one first. Why do you ask “Read this over that?” Because it will give you context and perspective.
What is the definition of Ableism?
I’m not going to rewrite the definition, it’s all here, there is no point in doing this. I feel you will get a better understanding by reading on.
Urban Dictionary: “Ableism is the discrimination or prejudice against people who have disabilities. Ableism can take the form of ideas and assumptions, stereotypes, attitudes and practices, physical barriers in the environment, or larger-scale oppression. It is oftentimes unintentional and most people are completely unaware of the impact of their words or actions.”
Examples of ableism
Examples of ableism range from blatant hostility and aggression to less obvious everyday interactions. Some examples of these include:
asking someone what is “wrong” with them
viewing a person with a disability as inspirational for doing typical things, such as having a career
On a larger scale, some examples of ableism include:
Ableist language: There are many examples of ableism in everyday language. Terms such as “dumb” and “lame” were originally used to describe disabilities, but today, people use them as synonyms for “stupid” or “bad.” People also misuse words in a way that trivializes conditions. For example, a person may say, “I am so OCD.”
Inaccessible design: Designing buildings, public spaces, products, and technology that only caters to nondisabled people is an example of ableism. This includes websites that have no text enlargement feature, buildings that have no ramp for wheelchairs, and sidewalks with obstacles that make walking more difficult.
Education discrimination: Schools refusing to make disability accommodations, failing to understand a disability, or trying to “teach” a child not to have their impairment are all examples of ableism in education. For example, a teacher might punish a child for their dyslexia rather than adapt how they teach.
Employment discrimination: Employers may be biased against those with disabilities, believing they make less productive workers. They may also refuse disability accommodations to existing employees or allow workplace bullying to go unpunished.
What am I getting at with all these definitions/examples, you were getting a little bit sick of the repetition weren’t you…?
On this site, the title is that way for a reason. Here’s why.
I’ve been speaking about my experiences for almost a decade and yet it always has been around what I’ve done like kokoda or the4points.org ride around Australia.
I was also speaking while traveling, riding, talking to audiences, or having conversations in the caravans or pubs. I was talking about stroke, raising funds for the stroke foundation, and promoting inclusion by getting people to ride with me. A common theme during a conversation with people was ‘You’re such an inspiration’ or something similar, now that’s fine I don’t mind that. What I did mind was whether they’d said those words before or after I’d said MY words, CONTEXT is everything!
You need to get the story before peppering that word ‘INSPIRATION’, that is objectifying, infantilising.
This is a point of view from someone who shares his story with an audience to highlight that Stroke can happen at any age or getting the message of inclusion out there, it was all for the cause.
Whereas talking to a person living with a disability or a disabled person (depending how the individual prefers), think first, hear from their experiences, get their context, IF they want to tell it.
Personally, I’d much prefer a chat around nothing in particular, human to human an actual, meaningful conversation. the conversation around the person’s impairments might just come up in NATURAL conversation, shocking I know.
I’ll leave you with this, my take, don’t assume, don’t assume the person can’t do something, bring an open mind.
Ask for the context in the right time, and place, naturally.
P.S. For your interest.
A coffee can be the greatest idea!
The idea was sparked, as the title suggests, by coffee with a mate… It was simple really, I rode over in my new recumbent trike to catch up with a mate for a coffee. Eventually, we got around to chatting about goals or more to the point the lack of them. Hadn’t gotten around to setting any since I finished the Kokoda Trail.
My mate looked at me then looked at the trike, looked at me again, and simply said why don't you ride this around Australia. It was quickly refined to the 4 most extreme points of Oz (W, S, E, and N, in that order) due to the enormous distance between Cape York and Steep Point. Riding across the top of Australia would have created too many difficulties with our timing and The Wet Season.
Cross to The 2019 Great Vic Bike Ride, which feels such a long, long time ago now, and yet crossing that fifth-day finish line is burnt into my brain… crossing that finish line, after cycling 30 kms into an absolutely horrendous headwind really did make me question whether or not I was mad enough to do this, but I'm here now telling you, that I’ve done it.
The year or so of preparation.
We had a lot of help from other ‘people’ to get this mammoth mission underway. Like opening separate accounts (a silent thank you) to setting up the4points.org website thanks to a friend’s help (who very unfortunately suffered a stroke earlier last year ‘23). We had other things like fundraisers to raise the funds/costs of the trip. It might not seem much to you or really to me, however, when you count the time, each little thing that you have to do on a day-to-day basis, it all adds up.
The training during lockdown, The pro’s and the cons of it.
God dam lockdown, all I'm going to say is that it was not a very nice time for all. A lot of people's mental health suffered. For me, it was OKAY due to me having a routine and essentially riding a lot of the time. In some ways , repeating the same path, road, or hill made me more resilient (I’ll get to that word in a minute) due to when I get to the actual riding I would be free, new stimuli, and new environments, that was my theory anyway.
Know that the word resilient, in my mind, is overpopulated, too overused, in some ways it’s in the same boat as “inspiration’... That’s a temperamental topic, where do you draw the line on inspiration? That's for another blog.
The con of COVID was in essence I needed to stay motivated and as they say, you've got about a 8-12 week window until it becomes old material and you need some new stimuli and not being able to go anywhere outside the 5 kms made that hard but not as difficult for me as it was for many many others…
The execution, from when we started the journey to finishing it, felt like an eternity. 3 years in the making, due to the aforementioned Covid and the crash I sustained during the ride and the rehab it took to get back to an acceptable level to be able to ride again as well as deal with the camping and general mobility issues. This was both mental and physical. The crash happened around 3500 kms into the journey from Steep Point just north of Adelaide. Let us just say we took a miniature hiatus… Then we recommenced on the 4th of December 22’ heading from Melbourne to Wilsons Prom, to accomplish something, to give it/us meaning. This was pretty much a year after I got hit. So much rehab. So essentially the moment we reached that 2nd Point, there was such an amazing feeling of reward for effort. This feeling told me that I wanted and needed to finish what I/we set out to do many months prior.
We again left on Friday the 24th of March ‘24 (terrible choice of days) and reached the tip of Cape York on my 30th birthday, one birthday that won’t be forgotten for a long time to come! That 5 or so months of travel, pretty much riding every day, having high and low points on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour basis is a little bit difficult to describe. Just know, it was hard, for all of us!
When we reached The Tip we still had to get back down South to complete that little (about 800 kms) section from Adelaide to Melbourne. This was where instead of cycling that distance back in ‘22, I was catching a ‘PRIVATE JET BABY!’ with the RFDS. Thank you Flying Doctors.
The final day (22nd of October ‘23) brought tears to my eyes…. So many emotions, memories, people, all flooding past behind my sunglasses. The feelings for me were cemented, and engraved in my history.
So why was it important to me?
Well, me having a stroke made it important to me, not just ‘yer let's raise some awareness’ it was more. Developing strategies to implement, improve, decrease the risk for existing or new people that have strokes.
The second point, My inclusion in school was great, however, there were some limitations, like at lunchtime my mates would head off to Maccas and I just wouldn't have the capacity to make it there… That is why while I was doing the4points.org ride I thought of no better way of promoting inclusion than through riding!
However being an advocate and wanting to do all this is one thing but actually setting it up, doing all this, it wouldn't have been possible without the Supportive Network that I have, that's why I’ve been saying ‘WE’ most of the time in this story.
It all started with a simple coffee (well, oat milk, flat white, half a sugar, and not too hot), and it really did. You might think there's got to be more to it but it was really that simple. If you don't believe me, get me to do a Keynote on it, I'll explain it to you, step by step, that's my job now!